I’ve been reflecting lately on why some people, even some friends, are difficult to have a conversation with. There are some people with whom it's easier to dialogue via email than it is face-to-face, and I've been wondering why that is, exactly.
I've arrived at the conclusion that in my experience there are at least six types of conversation "partners" and five of them are hard to engage with in any meaningful way. Readers may be able to come up with more than six types, I don't claim my taxonomy to be exhaustive, but here are the six that I've encountered:
One type consists of those who seem constantly distracted while you're talking to them. In the middle of what you're trying to say they're constantly looking away as if something else is capturing their interest, they're staring out the window or fidgeting with their phone or calling out to acquaintances who happen by. This is a behavior we've all come to expect from unmannered children, but it's disconcerting to have to endure it from an adult. The person is either rude or suffers from ADD.
A second type is the individual who expatiates interminably on whatever the topic of the moment may be, never permitting you an opportunity to insert even the slightest contribution to the matter beyond a grunt of assent now and then. You can scarcely utter a word before your dialogue "partner" seizes hold of the conversation again. A discussion with this person consists of him talking and you listening. You're expected to essentially play the role of audience to his monologue. This conversational type combines rudeness with narcissism.
A third type is the fellow (or lady) who appears to be listening to you but who is in fact mulling over in his mind what he wants to say as soon as you shut up. Like the previous two, this individual doesn't much care about what you think, only about what he thinks.
Then there's the individual who gets angry, aggressive or defensive, as soon as you offer a dissenting opinion to whatever he or she has happened to say or believe. Some people simply cannot brook any disagreement no matter how politely expressed. The previous three types may be tolerable (barely) if taken in infrequent doses, but this type rarely is. This person is just unpleasant to try to talk to, at least whenever the dialogue turns to matters upon which there are divergent points of view.
Another type of interlocutor is the one who dismisses your opinions with a disdainful gesture or joke, or changes the subject, or otherwise treats your words as though none of them are really worth listening to. This maneuver establishes them in their own eyes, perhaps unconsciously, as superior or dominant, somewhat like type two. The individual is not only arrogant but, like all the other preceding types, rude as well.
The last type is the individual who genuinely makes an effort to listen to you, to understand what you're saying and gives you time to develop your thought fully before responding. They're a pleasure to spend time with and one always looks forward to conversing with, and learning from, such people.
I know we all sometimes take on the aspect of each of these types. We dialogue differently with different people and sometimes fall into one or more of these types, even in the same conversation, but wouldn't it be wonderful if we, and everyone else, were, most of the time, more like the last type.
